Looking back, I see moments where I wasn’t my best self, where fear, exhaustion, or masking led me to act in ways I now understand were hurtful. I want to own those moments honestly, without judgment, as part of my journey.
For a long time, I tried to keep the peace by avoiding conflict, often silencing my own truth or overcompromising to make others comfortable. At times, I distanced myself emotionally to protect my inner world, which may have come across as cold or distant. I also oftentimes acted recklessly or spoke bluntly, pushing others away when what I really wanted was to belong.
These patterns weren’t born from malice, they came from a place of deep exhaustion, fear of rejection, and desperation to be understood in a world that often felt overwhelming and confusing.
But owning my past isn’t about excuses. It’s about facing the truth with humility and taking responsibility.
What’s Been Working for Me
What I’ve learned from these experiences is that true peace doesn’t come from people-pleasing or hiding who I am. It comes from embracing my full self (even the parts I once tried to bury) and building authentic connections based on honesty and respect.
Along my journey, I found real relief and growth through several key practices:
Shadow Work: In facing the parts of myself I had hidden, denied, or felt ashamed of, I was asked to look at the pieces I thought made me unlovable or “too much” and offer them compassion instead of judgment. As I gently brought those parts into the light, old wounds began to soften, and the parts I once exiled became bridges back to wholeness, strength, and self-trust.
Inner Child Healing: Nurturing the parts of me that once felt rejected, silenced, or unseen opened the door to deep self-compassion and a sense of wholeness I didn’t know I was missing. Becoming a parent added a whole new layer to that healing; holding my child with tenderness helped me learn how to hold myself the same way. In comforting her, I began to comfort the younger me. Her needs mirrored mine, and through that reflection, I started to show up for myself with the love, patience, and understanding I had always needed.
Taking Responsibility: Going back through my past and choosing to take ownership of my actions, even in situations where things happened to me, was one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done. When I stopped waiting for apologies or validation and started claiming my own role (even the messy, unconscious parts), I took back something I didn’t even realize I had lost: my power. Ownership became my way of reclaiming dominion over experiences that once left me feeling small, silenced, or broken. It didn’t mean blaming myself—it meant freeing myself.
Proper Diagnosis and Assessment: Receiving an accurate diagnosis was life-changing. It gave language to struggles I had spent years trying to make sense of on my own. Instead of blaming myself or feeling broken, I finally had clarity and that clarity brought relief. What I had once only quietly suspected was now validated, and that validation gave me permission to stop performing, stop apologizing, and start understanding myself with compassion.
Working with the Right Therapist: Finding a therapist who truly understood my experience made all the difference. For the first time, I felt safe enough to explore my feelings without fear, shame, or the need to translate myself. With a proper diagnosis finally in hand, I wasn’t just grasping in the dark anymore; I could focus, go deeper, and do the work that actually helped. After years of misdiagnoses and therapists who just didn’t get it, this was the beginning of real healing.
Surrounding Myself with the Right Support: Cultivating a small group of supportive friends and family members who best understood me and the way my minds works provided me with a safe space where I could feel seen and heard. There is no need to explain or justify; I just get to be me. At this stage in my life, it’s about quality, not quantity.
These tools helped me move from survival to thriving and I hope they can support you too.
Final Thoughts
I’ve started to set clearer boundaries, speak my truth gently but firmly, and practice self-compassion on the days when old habits sneak back in.
But I’m still in the process.
After 40 years of masking (of contorting myself to fit in, to be palatable, to survive) I’m only just beginning to unlearn those deeply ingrained patterns. Some days, it still feels easier to retreat, to over-apologize, to overthink every interaction. Some days, I still struggle. And that’s okay.
Unmasking isn’t a one-time reveal, but a daily act of courage over time. A slow remembering of who I am underneath the roles, the performance, and the pressure to be everything everyone expects me to be.
I share this not to justify or excuse my past but to remind myself (and anyone reading) that growth is messy, imperfect, and ongoing. We all carry shadows, and healing takes time.
May we hold ourselves and each other with kindness as we navigate our journeys. And may we all find the courage to be honest, vulnerable, and real, even when it’s hard.
Because that’s where true connection and freedom begin.
Affirmations for Compassion, Growth, and Accountability
I am learning and growing every day, and I honor my journey with kindness.
My truth deserves to be heard, and I speak it with courage and compassion.
I take responsibility for my actions and commit to doing better each day.
I release old patterns that no longer serve me and welcome authentic connection.
I am worthy of healing, forgiveness, and wholehearted love — from myself and others.
Let me know your thoughts